I definitely have issues with being present, and I feel lucky to be aware of it! Law school caused slow drifts away from who I am that I have felt and mourned over the last couple of years. The first to go were things I enjoyed, next were relationships with people who meant a lot to me but with whom I simply couldn't maintain communication. After that went the things I didn't necessarily love, but did to be good to myself, like working out and being good to my body, and slowly I'm feeling the loss of more things-- personal opinions, selfless giving of time, direction. The opportunity to give myself this gift and become "present" again is amazing.
I wonder today how many people have no clue how far from their true selves they really are. Television, partying, subsequent hangovers, workaholic-ism-- they all take our time, our attention, our thought, and none of them define the true us, much less challenge us to be better and do better. Even more sneaky are things like ambition and throwing oneself wholly into family life-- things that disguise themselves as "good" can still just be distractions from truly knowing, from dealing with, our true selves.
(Later...) A few things I've learned in my week of presence (Yes, I started this blog over a week ago. Oops)...
...I am a procrastinator. But there is usually a reason why I procrastinate things, whether I admit it or not. I don't procrastinate school work, or reading, or cleaning... I procrastinate paying bills, because I don't want to feel the sting. I procrastinate calling friends I have lost touch with, because I feel like they'll be upset with me. I procrastinate sending in résumés and applications, because I don't want to deal with another "Thanks, but..." letter.
I always have a do-to list running in my computer and phone. I add to it, I delete from it. And, honestly, there are times that the list could be empty! But there are typically things on the list that have been there for weeks, months. The funny part is, things like "detail the toilet" and "write an absurd letter explaining to the law review dudes why one of your papers was five minutes late" and "figure out the smell that's coming from your car" get done almost the second they're written down! So, selective procrastination it is.
...Sometimes, I'm not honest with myself. This was pretty obvious from the journal I am supposed to be keeping. For example: Food.
The first day or so, I wrote down my food & drink intake item for item (cutting back a little from my normal diet... dang, i eat a lot...).
The next day, I wrote it down, cutting back more. (Dangit, I reallllly want a glass of wine! But I'd have to write it down!)
By day three, I ate what I wanted, drank what I wanted, and wrote it down angrily! ("Yes ma'am, I SURE DID have queso for dinner tonight!!" AND two glasses of wine! HA! "Be present" THAT!!")
By day four, I stopped journaling, more or less. I'd write a few things down, but not everything. And by seven... oops! I forgot.
Being forced to be completely honest with myself ended in my choosing not to think about my actions at all. Interesting reaction, eh?
... I am always looking and waiting and being anxious for the next moment. The five-minute, twice a day meditation showed me this, very clearly, the first day. And then, I spotted it everywhere. (Sidenote: our meditation does not mean chanting, trying to change your heart beat, or floating through the air. Just a simple focus on breath, letting your mind clear... acknowledging sounds and feelings, then releasing them, rather than trying not to notice them in the first place... anyway.) I enjoy meditation. It goes smoothly for me. But I realized that I think many times during it about something I need to do, but instead of acknowledging it and letting it go, I'd think Just a few more minutes, Sarah, and you can go deal with that. Or add it to a list. Just a few minutes and you can get back to work... I made huge headway on learning how to relax and be in the moment-- but only because I knew the next was coming.
(Later...) Wow. I'm now almost through with week two, and just now posting! To be honest, the "Presence" week was so revealing and so intense, I felt like I could use two weeks of it. But onward we go to week two!
But first, while "new moves" isn't the focus of my practice right now, they inevitably come with six-day-a-week classes! I can now do Malasana (yoga squat, the first picture) into crow pose, the second picture where you tilt forward onto your hands and support yourself; into tripod headstand, the third picture. I've done all these poses before, but never the transition between the three-- and now, once I'm in headstand, I can lower back down into crow, which is definitely new!
I've also gotten much better and calmer in eagle. And, since being "present" means feeling the sweat on you, instead of wiping it off, and dealing with shifting clothes, instead of fixing them, and not stressing out about needing a drink right this second, I've gotten a lot better about avoiding the last picture! :)
