A week of thoughtful living

Been thinking lately... I really miss who I was back in high school.
Fearlessly myself. Unapologetically, happily, fearlessly me.

My mom would call me her "rebel"-- but she said it smiling, and I know she loved me being exactly who I was.
What I miss most? I'm not sure. High school Sarah was far more selfless. She was equally shy but less reclusive. She was determined and never once had a victim mentality, but always an "I can do that, "I can be that," "I can make that happen" mindset. She had random different hairstyles every day, and didn't ever wear jeans (not sure why...). She knew who she was, but wasn't prideful about it-- simply content with it.

So, I want her back. And I'm going to do something everyday this week to remember her, or maybe just wake her up!

Today:
Live outside myself. Yep, I'm shy... but that doesn't mean automatically preferring to be alone, or thinking only about my life when plans change or things get messy, or ignore a friend's call or text just because I'm feeling hermit-ish.
Today is a bit abstract, but it kind of ties in with tomorrow.... We'll see how this goes!

Tuesday:
Keep living outside myself, and...
Do an act of kindness... Note I didn't say random act... Random somehow implies it is for a stranger, or someone you aren't close to. Those are wonderful, and if that is the act I see, ok, but I don't think acts of kindness-- on-owed and un-earned-- to people you LOVE mean that much more.
Day one = success! Keeping a lookout for my act(s) of kindness today.

Wednesday:
Keep living outside myself, and...
Do an act of kindness, and...
Do something you used to LOVE but haven't in awhile!... By the way, this really backfired on me.  I chose to (drumrollllllll.....) go rollerblading! I used to blade for hours a day, all summer long. Well, I'm not as young as I was, and my fear got the best of me, as did some broken glass.... Let's just say my leg is angry at me, and I can't sit down very well!

Thursday:

Keep living outside myself, and...

Do an act of kindness, and...

Do something you used to love but haven't in awhile, and...

Enjoy your hair again!... I used to always "fix my hair... and by fix, I don't mean stand under heat for hours to straighten, or let it air dry while constantly scrunching and obsessing over "imperfect" curls... I mean I did FUN stuff! Braids, twists, you name it. Did a waterfall twist today... I miss having FUN with my hair! When was the last time you treated your hair as FUN and not work?

Friday:

Keep living outside myself, and...

Do an act of kindness, and...

Do something you used to love but haven't in awhile, and...

Enjoy your hair again, and...

Don't say anything negative!... About my life, or anyone else's. I may have been serious when I was young, but I was positive, an optimist. I remember not understanding why people were upset about things, because I always looked at the other situation. I remember in elementary school, when everyone was making fun of a kid who, in the wealthy school I went to, didn't have much money. I asked, "What's so wrong with Charlie?" The answer? "Duh, he has cooties." I think part of the reason I didn't fit in at that school was that I was the kind of kid who then said, "That's dumb. Cooties don't exist."

Charlie actually did end up being kind of a trouble kid, the kind who talked back to teachers and would never do what they said... But then again, I bet I would too, if kids had been making fun of me since kindergarten. 

I glanced yesterday at my status updates on facebook. The last three? How much I hate Thursday, how hard my life is, etc. No more!! Time flies when you're busy, and I think half the reason is that you're just always waiting for the next fun thing-- the weekend, 5 o'clock, a vacation. So, no more negative. Enjoy the moment-- if I'm not loathing right now and waiting for tomorrow, maybe life will slow down a bit. 

Probably the hardest thing this week, and I'm sure I'll mess it up plenty. But at least I'll try!
(A quick update: yep, I've already messed up... still trying though!)


* And on another note.... doing "good deeds" feels so nice. So goes that old saying, "If you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering up someone else." Even selfless deeds make YOU feel good when you do them, right?? Well, introduce new struggle: when people take good deeds for granted... as, sometimes, they do. And they don't appreciate them, or they toss them aside, etc... 
...Oh, well. A good deed done is a good deed done, and the point wasn't to make MYSELF happy, so I can't exactly gripe. We'll try again tomorrow!

What you really say

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've always loved Emerson.  And this simple "actions speak louder than words" quote has always hit my ear in an interesting way.  But lately, it's been more of a question than a witty accusation... 

Is who I am speaking so loudly that what I say doesn't even matter?

...What about you?

A few examples... 

These Christians showed up at a Chicago Pride Parade, not to protest and spread hate, but to apologize - and not for the way homosexuals in general are treated, but for things they themselves had done. The man hugging them?  Well, duh-- obviously, he's a float dancer! (I had no clue either... except that he was probbbably part of the parade... I had to read a few articles.) I was stunned by the humility in these Christian people's actions... what words are harder to say than "I am sorry" and "I was wrong," unless it's all those words together? But I was equally, if not more, impressed by the man - who has probably felt the sting of misguided hatred more than I could ever imagine, but threw it all aside and ran to love on these new supporters. (By the way, the main man in that probably-sweaty squeeze is a pastor, who blogged about this great experience and keeps in touch with the float dancer through email.)

And no, this isn't a comment on what the Bible says about homosexuality. (Then again, Jesus didn't exactly put caveats in His word when he was chilling with "thieves" and "prostitutes"...) It is only a comment on what Jesus said about LOVE.

This is a simple note left to me by an amazing friend. Yes, it's silly - and that is the point! This gal spreads happiness wherever she goes. She left this on my car on a day when it was below freezing, windy as heck, and just straight nasty. And that definitely counts... but what counts most is that she thought beyond herself. She cared to make someone's day better. She saw my car there, she thought of me, and she instantly went to thinking about something that would make me smile - and that wasn't the only time! I can tell you from my heart, this young lady has no hateful or hurtful words to say - but, if she did, everyone would just giggle at them... who she is speaks SO strongly, those words would just come out as squeaks! 

I'm sure there is a much-more-worthy pic for this one, but I've put it on my body for a reason. If you don't know, that is half of Proverbs 31:25.... (Sorry, Mom.... I really am!) This chapter makes me take pride in being a woman, but humbles me in many ways... I have this tattoo because I believe in what was put forward in that chapter - but is what I'm "saying" with it somehow a substitute for who I should be? This chapter describes a woman who wakes early, before all her family, to provide for them (I literally debate the necessity of brushing my hair in the morning, hoping for an extra ten seconds in bed)... She opens her arms to the poor (As I selfishly consider myself to need more)... She works hard, with strong arms (While I whine about having a "tough week")... She makes sound and well-thought-out financial decisions (As I DIE for the one day every week I spend $4.50 on Drip coffee!)... Most importantly, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." 

I have never "laughed at the days to come."  

I worry.  

I have never had such faith and such an unfailingly beautiful view of life that I knew that whatever the days brought, they would be good. 

Proverbs 31 wasn't written by a woman about how amazing she was. She didn't sing her own humility, her work ethic, her faith, her love for those around her, or her strength. This chapter doesn't begin with "She says: ..." This is an outside perception, what another around her saw and realized as who she was.   You don't hear what she says... because, simply put, who she was spoke so loudly, no one could hear what she was saying.

(BTW, it has been thought to be Solomon who penned this, but was probably another, less-known man... most importantly, whoever held the pen, this chapter was God-inspired - which means this is what God saw her to be.)

Maybe it will always be a goal - something like perfection, always strived for but never reached. I'm not sure, but I'm hoping that at least tomorrow, "who i am" speaks louder. 

Ah, sweet sweet sounds of...

I overslept this morning, due to an amazing sound.

No, it wasn't the rain on the windows. I didn't even notice the rain, even though it was positively pouring outside. And yes, I'm one of those people who LOVES sleeping when it is raining. To me, rain is God, saying, "Sarah, you seem tired. You should take a nap."

The sound was actually an absence of sound. The sound I heard, one I haven't heard at night for almost two months, was the glorious sound of my air conditioner shutting off. 

I have literally not heard that in AGES. And it keeps me awake!

Now wait a minute, Sarah, you might think... Who doesn't love a little white noise?

Well, I do. Believe me. I love sleeping to rain, remember? But with bills the way they are, and heat the way it is, and my poor sweet little air conditioner working its heart out every night, striving for a comfortable sleeping temperature for me but never edging below 80 degrees.... well, the air conditioner is no longer a soothing sound. 

Especially when you're trying to sleep and you're seeing visions of an evil electric bill dancing in your head.

ESPECIALLY when you're seeing those visions and your house is a swampy 80 degrees.

It took me awhile to realize that I wasn't just sleeping past the momentary breaks in my A/C's struggles. But after nights of listening, I finally determined that my A/C was, in fact, never, in my eight hours of shut-eye, getting any shut-eye itself. Thus, the sound that was once white noise became worse than a smoke alarm with a failing battery, or a baby just on verge of waking, or that pesky alarm, still somehow going off after being sent into "snooze" a dozen times (Doesn't it get the point by now? I don't want to get up!)

So. Last night... it wasn't the rain. It wasn't the thunder. It was the absolute, sudden silence of my A/c taking a break; then, instead of restarting moments later, extending that break into a little nap; then, actually turning that into a full siesta. It didn't even bother me a half hour or so later when the A/c flipped back on, happily chugging away, because somehow, it actually sounded cheerful. Rested. I could almost hear the tune of "Whistle While You Work" in it's whooshing of air, and as I slept, images of pickaxe-toting dwarves danced in my head.

Rain, I appreciate you every time I sleep, be it naptime or nighttime. But today, I thank you for another reason. I thank you for the rest for my air conditioner... the possibility of a thinner electric bill.... the equal possibility of a thicker wallet.... and most importantly, for sleeping beautifully through the night and waking to a home with a resting A/c unit and a blissful temperature of 72 degrees. 

Thanks, rain.

Thought for the day...

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
-Albert Einstein

Finally.

I've found my niche. Finally.
I took 5-1/2 years to graduate college, mostly because some of that was not in school while I tried to find my niche.
I spent 1 month looking for a post-graduation job, luckily because one fell into my lap. Not exactly my niche. Amazing job, but not my niche.
I taught fitness classes, and even considered it as a career. I loved it, and I missed it, but due to how sensitive I am, and how much I worry about other's being happy with my classes or disappointed with them, etc., not my niche.
And Wichita Falls... well, I'm one of the few who didn't hate it. I didn't run from it out of high school, or out of college. I didn't waste my breath dissing my hometown because it was "boring" or "too conservative" or "a hellhole (haha)" unlike pretty much everyone else I know. But, I have finally learned, not my niche-- at least, not for now.

I love school. I love learning. I love being challenged and being around people by myself-- albeit younger, sometimes less wise people than myself.
I love looking around a class room and seeing that we are all eating granola bars and drinking diet cokes or waters-- not candy bars and frappuccinos. I love talking about intelligent things-- then planning happy hour.
I love that I have to work very hard for anything I want-- and most of the time, because I'm surrounded by such great students, I don't get it. I hated learning disappointment, because it was not something I had ever been used to, but I love now the passion of REALLY going after something once I've decided I want it.

I love studying law. I love figuring out, logically, how and why it works-- even though someone usually has to explain it to me. I love dressing with self-respect everyday at internships, even if it's uncomfortable. I love the thought of maybe someday being a judge, and changing lives-- hopefully for the better.

I finally found my niche.... Took long enough!!

Every Girl Needs an Aunt

I have always wanted a niece! Now, don't get me wrong, I love Ivey, and he fills my heart with joy every time I see his face, get a text picture of him, or hear his voice in the background when Jen is trying valiantly to have some sister time on the phone. But growing up, and now especially as an adult, I have always loved the amazing relationships I share with the awesome women who are my aunts! I have been blessed with strong, caring, selfless women who love our family and have loved me like a daughter-- and I can't wait to be that for Miss Riley Beth! Thank you to my awesome aunts for all their love and support, and for helping shape the woman I am today.

Sharon, aka Sherry Belle, is my mom's sister. Her son John and I were born so close, and were best friends growing up. It seems like one of us was always at the other's house! Sherry is the picture of grace and Godly love. She has taught me the worth of appreciating all my blessings, because she definitely appreciates every one of hers!! She always has a smile to give and a positive thing to say, and is such a light for my naturally-old soul. Sherry is a natural caretakers of everyone around her. We can talk and laugh for hours, and I truly miss being close to her! Luckily, Sherry Belle takes the time to remember me whenever she is near the metroplex-- let's have another Mattito's visit soon Sharon! But without the tornado this time :)

Aunt Kathy, aka Kass, is my mom's other sister. I cannot believe I do not have a single picture of us anywhere on my computer except this one! Wow!! (Yeah, that's me, chubby + curls, and Kass is holding me.) Much like Sherry, I can remember few times when I wasn't at Kass's house playing with cousin Dustin or he wasn't at mine! Kass was very important in my life, especially as I was being raised by a single mom. The greatest school days were when Kass would pick me up and we'd go to Sonic for a Dr. Pepper and tater tots-- extra crispy! I got to sing a trio with Kass in church, and play handbells with her--I think it is great when aunts and nieces actually get to have hobbies together! This picture is actually from a going away present Kass and her daughter Ali made me-- a book of family memories that I still look at to this day. Kass, Kau-Kaus, and Ali have all come down to see me and were so sweet to stay an look at Christmas lights in Highland Park with me-- I was dying to have some family here to do that!

Aunt Robin, aka Bobber, is my dad's sister. She was very close to my mom and to Kass when they were younger, and now she is very close to me! Bobber is near to my heart in so many ways, and I have been so lucky to get closer to her as I got older. Bobber and I share so much! Our love for healthy living, challenging exercising, and of course, GREAT food and wine! Her friendship means the world to me, and even though she's an aunt, I feel like she's more of a sister. I wish I lived closer to her! A trip to Alabama in the near future is a must- I just need to start saving my pennies and make it happen. Like me, Bobber is a p90x grad-- you should see her legs-- rawr! And no griping, Bobber, about the pic-- you do not have man hands. Bobber made her last trip home to Bammy from Texas even longer by stopping into Dallas, just to see me. The sweet card she sent me after our visit reminds me every day just how much I'm loved!

I sure do have amazing women in my life. I hope and pray that someday I can be a tenth of the woman to Riley!!

And to state the obvious, there is another amazing woman in my life, the center to all this! But that's for later-- Mom deserves her own blog!

My Maria

 I have been so blessed since my move to Dallas. The people I've met and friends I've made have become my upmost assurance that I am right where I need to be. Case in point, Maria.
  I met Maria on the first day of orientation, walking in heels on a campus I've never been in, wearing dress clothes in 100 degree weather, totally lost about where I was supposed to be going, and fervently praying for assigned seats at our first event, so that I wouldn't have to suffer that awful, kid-in-the-cafeteria-with-no-place-to-sit feeling. The seats, as it turned out, weren't assigned, and I can't really imagine what I would have done in the middle of this group of 200 of the best-dressed, most poised young people I had ever seen-- thankfully, I didn't have to do anything, because en route, I had found Maria, just as lost as I was, but much more outgoing and willing to make a friend.
  Luckily, we landed in the same writing section, and she has been a blessing in my life ever since. She was instantly in my phone as "Maria SMU," because I couldn't really figure out if her last name was Rojas or Fernandez. She had a smile to offer everyone the first week of class, which is the only reason I was able to meet people-- I stuck by her side and just waited! I think Someone knew to put such a friendly, outgoing girl by my side for a reason.
  But enough with the gushy stuff... If you have met Maria, you definitely know one thing about her: that girl is FUN! While her dedication and persistence inspire me to work hard, her ability to blow that all off and laugh and enjoy herself inspire me even more! Maria is the kind of person who dresses up on Halloween... who makes up raps with her girls... who will bust out and dance any time, even on request. She'll leave you hilarious notes, send messages of herself and hubby doing raps together, and facebook tag you in pics of her dog-child that she knows you love. She is the first to share anything embarrassing that happens to her, because she has a weightless heart and simply doesn't care if people make fun, as long as they get a laugh.

  Maria is one of those few people you find in life that make you legitimately believe that angels walk the earth beside us everyday. She has made me positive when I was down, made me laugh when I wanted to cry, and kept me from being negative when all I wanted to do was pout. The first year here would have been misery without her. I love you Ri-Ri!!

Maria, proving her mad rap skills

Teach me how to Dougie!

Maria and I finishing a half marathon together